DSB does the Wonderlic

With the NFL Combine in full swing this week, hundreds of prospective NFL draftees are taking the Wonderlic Test as a measure of their intellectual capacity. You can see an example of the Wonderlic here on ESPN’s page 2.

There is only one problem with the Wonderlic test … it does not properly test for the real-life football intelligence required of NFL players. Therefore, DSB now presents the new and improved NFL Combine Wonderlic test. You have 20 minutes to finish this test; 45 minutes if you are a defensive lineman or Vince Young.

Question 1

Your have five baby mommas and seven babies residing in three different states. What percentage of your signing bonus can you expect to keep?

A. 100% (Those kids don’t look anything like me, Maury!)
B. 55% (Yeah, those my kids but Daddy needs to put a new Lambo in the garage.)
C. 25% (I have a crappy lawyer)
D. 0% (Travis Henry will be buying me lunch after my rookie season)

Question 2

You have been informed that your name is on next month’s list for a random drug test. What do you do?

A. Cycle off, duh.
B. Pick up a Whizzinator on the way home
C. Contact Bill Romanowski
D. Go home, toke up, and forget about it … what’s the worst that can happen?

Question 3

Cocaine sells for between $80-$100 a gram. If one of your “buddies” has 100 grams burning a hole in his pocket and needs to get rid of it what do you do?

A. Call Santonio Holmes
B. Call up the strippers … House Party!!!
C. Keep it for game day, it worked for LT
D. Cut it and cook it down to make crack there by doubling the street value. Simple economics.

Question 4

You have just signed a six year contract and are the highest paid player at your position. How do you celebrate this momentous occasion?

A. What’s momentous?
B. Find my buddy with the “stuff” burning a hole in his pocket and call in the strippers.
C. Ask Matt Leinart to come on over and to bring his “friends”
D. Go on ESPN and throw a tantrum about how you are finally getting paid and you can now feed your family.

Question 5

Finish this sentence: I ain’t getting ________.

A. Respect
B. Paid
C. Respect or Paid

Question 6

You child is five years old. You are 21 years old. How old will you be when you can stop paying child support?

A. For this kid or the last kid?
B. Who pays child support?
C. I already told you in question one that ain’t my f’ing kid.
D. 13 years, 2 months and 5 days. But who’s counting?

Question 7

There are four quarters in a football game. You had eight tackles during the game. How many tackles per quarter did you average?

A. More than the white defensive lineman and he just got a new three year deal!
B. Those weren’t tackles they were executions.
C. Four
D. If the defensive coordinator wasn’t a racist I would have that new deal.

Question 8

What is the NFL’s fine for this end zone celebration?


A. $10,000
B. It does not matter. I am an entertainer … this is the cost of my art.
C. My shoe deal will cover it.
D. Two months child support. Sorry kids.

Question 9

Finish this sentence: In the strip club, I ________.

A. Make it rain on dem hoes …
B. Get grabby because I’m important.
C. Plan the next pleasure cruise on my boat.
D. Try to not jeopardize my Chunky Soup deal.

Question 10

What is the most dangerous part of the locker room?

A. Errant towel snaps … watch the family jewels.
B. Staph
C. Reporters
D. All those needles

Question 11

What should you do if you come into camp overweight?

A. Complain about how you don’t get any respect.
B. Blame it on a pulled hammy.
C. Get the cycle. Not the bicycle.

Question 12 (Last One!)

If you are out and about and you see Bill Belichick at dinner with the team doctor’s wife; what do you do?

A. Give him a heads up on the Valtex you found in the medicine cabinet.
B. Avoid eye contact and leave. When the team doctor mysteriously disappears next week you know nothing.
C. Give Bill a heads up about the GM’s daughter. She likes it rough.
D. Meet coach in the team confessional and accept your penance (10% pay cut to make room under the cap)

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Movie Awards, DSB-style

The latest published statistics have the life expectancy of an American male at a shade over 75 years old. This Sunday night will be the 81st Academy Awards and I figure Oscar died at least 6 years ago.

That being said – I still love sitting in a dark movie theatre and discovering something or someone new. The movies haven’t changed but the masturbatory nature of the awards has become so ridiculous and obvious that it doesn’t celebrate movies anymore; it just jerks them off into an old sock lying on the floor.

On that note here are some year-end movie awards, Daddy’s Sugar Ball-style…

Best Use of a Hula Hoop – Marisa Tomei The Wrestler
Tomei stepped up her workouts to portray a stripper and make her 44-year old body look spectacular and I have two words…Thank You!

Biggest Turd Sandwich – (TIE) Steven Spielberg and George Lucas Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Mike Myers The Love Guru; The Wachowski Brothers Speed Racer
With all three of these, it’s like I was watching Willie Mays patrolling centerfield for the Mets in 1973.

Most Underappreciated (Actor) – James Franco Pineapple Express and Milk
Franco stole the show from both Seth Rogen and Danny McBride in Pineapple Express and was the only watchable thing in Milk.

Most Underappreciated (Actress) – Elizabeth Banks W and Zack & Miri Make a Porno
Banks’ star has been on the rise for the last 5 years and never was she more in demand than this year when she appeared in six movies. But to become the backbone of the two diverse movies listed above earned her a spot on my list.

Beauty from Out of Left Field – Freida Pinto Slumdog Millionaire
Director Danny Boyle selected this unknown in an audition process to play the grown-up Latika. I hope for Boyle’s sake it involved a trip to the casting couch.

Post Office Award – Al Pacino 88 Minutes & Righteous Kill
I can’t believe this is the same guy who was in The Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon, and even Donnie Brasco. At this point, he is just blatantly mailing it in…is it possible that he was one of Bernie Madoff's clients and that he needs the money this badly?

Overlooked Performance in a Highly Regarded Film - Evan Rachel Wood The Wrestler
Wood throws herself so completely into her role she makes it look too easy. Tomei has gotten all the acclaim, but her scenes do little more than move the plot along…Wood’s scenes make you invest and care about her relationship with her estranged father.

Biggest Upset – Mila Kunis over Kristen Bell Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Kunis was simply radiant and stunningly much hotter than Bell…I know, I can’t even believe it. She made me forget about seeing Jason Segel’s package not once, but twice in this movie.

Testicular Cancer Award – Pierce Brosnan Mamma Mia!
Brosnan once donned the tuxedo of 007 James Bond…and now he’s warbling (very similar to this) through a movie adaptation of a Broadway musical based on the songs of ABBA. Obviously, the surgery to remove his balls was successful.

Worst Attempt at Updating the Oscars Telecast – In an effort to draw a younger audience to the telecast this year, supposedly Zac Effron and Robert Pattinson are slated to be presenters. Is this the Oscars or Hot Chicks with Douchebags?













Best Unknown Cast – Richard Jenkins, Hiam Abbass, Haaz Sleiman, and Danai Gurira The Visitor
Jenkins is the most well-known of the bunch, but even he is just one of those guys who you know you’ve seen (probably his most high profile role is the dead father on Six Feet Under). The real surprise here is Sleiman who provides all the energy and light in the first half of the movie. And when his circumstances change, you can feel him hanging on by a thread. Hopefully, this movie will open up future roles for him.

Best Movie - In Bruges
This offbeat gem takes the buddy action flick and turns it on its ear. Everything here hits the bullseye - whip-smart and flawlessly timed dialogue, pitch perfect performances from Brendan Gleeson, Colin Farrell, and Ralph Fiennes, choreographed action sequences, and a ludicrous, wonderful turn by Jordan Prentice.



Best Performance - Heath Ledger makes The Dark Knight sparkle and crack whenever he’s on screen, but Mickey Rourke embodies The Wrestler. To borrow a phrase from Dave Eggers, it is a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.



Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Welcome back...

So after several weeks off DSB is back up and running. Excellent post by Max Power below and that means we are officially back on track. We did not plan on taking a break but after the Steelers Super Bowl win and a kick ass party at ZJ's, a short break was seriously needed. Special thanks to Ms. ZJ for pouring us shots after ZJ did his Ike Turner impression and for understanding that Max Power really did go to the max. Time to pack away the Terrible Towel until next season.

In case you failed to read the comments section from the last posting, you should know that Max Power walked away from getting hit by a truck. Now thanks to modern society placing video camera's on all cellphones we have video evidence of Max Power's accident.

With that covered time to celebrate our triumphant return with a super sized set of links and other stuff from your favorite DSB editor...

LINKS

A hot piece of South American ass... need I say more?

12 Valentine Gift ideas for the guy who wants to get dumped.

Is this old woman giving a bear a ZJ?

The one night stand from hell... one word, Ouch.

Admit it you miss Crystal Pepsi.

Weatherman fuck ups... a sweet set of video links

Five hottest Simpsons Characters of all time.

When college roommates turn bad.

A British city council is offering employees time off for cosmetic surgery... now this is progressive politics I can get behind.

Two tattoos that are sure to bring in the ladies...

Chicks from MySpace.com with huge cans making stupid faces... if you click only one link this week make it should be this one.

Probowl cheerleaders... you know you want to click this one as well.

Nine looks you should avoid as a man...

Video

How to fail at a keg stand: 1. Don't take your hands out of your pockets. 2. Fall on face.




Another more painful face plant...

Stuff I thought...

Too late for Terri Schiavo jokes now?

I've seen the picture. Michael Phelps really should have gone with the, "I was just blowing that glass penis" defense. Go gay. Swimming is already a little gay.

To everyone who writes "meh" in internet comment sections: Kudos. You've managed to articulate what, "absolutely nothing of value" sounds like.

Getting drunk with coworkers is always more depressing than you expect it to be...


Bearcat's Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten...

Top Ten Things White People Think About Black History Month.

10. Black History month again? Fuck. Didn't we just do that?

8. George Washington Carver

7. He just invented peanut butter right?

5. MLK Jr.

4. Hank Aaron

3. George Washington Carver

1. George Washington Carver

Mini Rant...

Brett Favre this week retired. Again. You can read how he is really retired this time from ESPN or you can find Internet articles about how he is two-faced SOB and he will be back (no real media is going to trash this guys shitty reputation). But I am not here to tell you about that crap. I am here to complain about all the shit we are going to have to put up with. First, Brett Favre is not that fucking great. Yeah he played in 291 consecutive games (including playoffs). He played in two Super Bowls and won one. But he should also be remembered by his talent for throwing game killing INTs and TAINTs and for throwing wide receiver killing passes (Here catch this ball that is two feet right and two feet too high while crossing the middle... that linebacker is not going to hit you so hard that he will take more life from you than a four pack a day smoking habit...trust me I'm your veteran QB) Yet, there are going to be at least five teams (Vikings, Chiefs, Lions, Bills, Bears) that will be rumored to be in talks with him this off season. (Lead horse in this race has to be Vikings... right?) Even if he does not come back we are going to have to hear about his "desire to play the game and his ultra competitive nature" daily. ESPN is going to punish you and me with constant updates from Buttfuck, Mississippi after they insert Rachel Nichols up Favre's ass. Christ, I am ready to cancel my cable already. So lets assume that he does not come back to play. If he some how manages to stay retired (even money says he comes back) how long until he writes his autobiography where he throws every coach, position player, manager and reporter under the bus. It will be their fault that he won only one Super Bowl when he had the talent to win so many, many more. If only those cheap Green Bay execs would have spent the money for true talent to support the Great, HOF, "played the game the right way", gunslinger, QB. Due date for this toilet paper? Wild Card weekend 2010. Why then? Because we can't have the playoffs without Brett Favre. Fuck, what else would be talked about if he were not in our lives? And guess what you can expect the next off season if he does sit out the 2009 season. Discussion about how he is only 40 years young, thinks he has something "left in the tank" and rumors of him coming to play for the Vikings, Chiefs, Lions... Fuck. Me.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball... take the time to comment and let us know you were here.

Bearcat

Buying your next sports jersey

If you were to go out and buy a sports jersey, what would you buy?

It’s tough to buy any current athlete because:
a) that player will probably change teams in the near future
b) that player will probably be implicated in the use of performance enhancing drugs
c) that player had a memorable night in a Denver-area hotel room

Would you consider a jersey from a character in a movie? What follows is a countdown of the Top 13 uniforms of fictional characters (this leaves out the Permian High Panthers and many others). The sole criteria for the list was which jersey would I pay actual money for…so without further ado, here we go…


13. Pittsburgh Pisces – Moses Guthrie #35 (The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh)
Pro: Will go over well within a 5 hour radius of the Steel City
Con: The movie itself is almost unwatchable in its ridiculousness


12. Cadwallader University – Hustler (Fast Break)
Pro: You might get an invite to Jimmy Kimmel for Sunday football with your new best friend, The Sports Guy
Con: You might get an invite to Jimmy Kimmel for Sunday football with your new best friend, The Sports Guy


11. West Canaan High Coyotes – Jonathan Moxon #4 (Varsity Blues)
Pro: While wearing this uniform you get to try out your pitiful southern accent on weak inspirational speeches
Con: Do you really want to represent the Beek?


10. Average Joe’s – Peter LaFleur #16 (Dodgeball)
Pro: Great for a sports bar where the frat comedy will be a big hit
Con: It’s a uniform for a dodgeball team


9. Cleveland Indians – Ricky Vaughn #99 (Major League)
Pro: Everyone knows the “Wild Thing” - especially if you rock the nerd glasses too
Con: People might think you actually root for the real Indians


8. North Dallas Bulls – Phil Elliott #87 (North Dallas Forty)
Pro: Credibility for showing a little love to a forgotten gem
Con: I did say “forgotten”, right?


7. Cutters – Dave Stoller (Breaking Away)
Pro: Shows your appreciation and support for the underdog
Con: Look at it – it’s just a white t-shirt with iron-on letters


6. New York Knights - Roy Hobbs #9 (The Natural)
Pro: Check out that sweet lightning bolt arm patch
Con: Remember in the book, he strikes out to end the game


5. Hickory High – Jimmy Chitwood #15 (Hoosiers)
Pro: He saved the coach's job and scored about 30 of his team's 42 points in the State finals
Con: A basketball jersey on a middle-aged, overweight guy is NEVER a good look


4. Mean Machine – Paul Crewe #22 (The Longest Yard)
Pro: Who doesn't root for the disgraced athlete in a game between the inmates and the guards?
Con: People may confuse this as appreciation for the Adam Sandler remake (even though he wore #18)

3. Durham Bulls – Crash Davis #8 (Bull Durham)
Pro: Old-school logo with the bull coming through the “D”
Con: Look closely…it’s a polyester pullover v-neck

2. Bears - Tanner Boyle #12 (The Bad News Bears)
Pro: Sponsorship by Chico’s Bail Bonds
Con: He's a 10-year old version of Khalil Greene and I'll assume you don't have a Padres #3 jersey


1. Charleston Chiefs – Reggie Dunlop #7 (Slap Shot)
Pro: What’s not to like? Coolest actor in the best sports movie
Con: Simply put…none


Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball