Movie Awards, DSB-style

The latest published statistics have the life expectancy of an American male at a shade over 75 years old. This Sunday night will be the 81st Academy Awards and I figure Oscar died at least 6 years ago.

That being said – I still love sitting in a dark movie theatre and discovering something or someone new. The movies haven’t changed but the masturbatory nature of the awards has become so ridiculous and obvious that it doesn’t celebrate movies anymore; it just jerks them off into an old sock lying on the floor.

On that note here are some year-end movie awards, Daddy’s Sugar Ball-style…

Best Use of a Hula Hoop – Marisa Tomei The Wrestler
Tomei stepped up her workouts to portray a stripper and make her 44-year old body look spectacular and I have two words…Thank You!

Biggest Turd Sandwich – (TIE) Steven Spielberg and George Lucas Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Mike Myers The Love Guru; The Wachowski Brothers Speed Racer
With all three of these, it’s like I was watching Willie Mays patrolling centerfield for the Mets in 1973.

Most Underappreciated (Actor) – James Franco Pineapple Express and Milk
Franco stole the show from both Seth Rogen and Danny McBride in Pineapple Express and was the only watchable thing in Milk.

Most Underappreciated (Actress) – Elizabeth Banks W and Zack & Miri Make a Porno
Banks’ star has been on the rise for the last 5 years and never was she more in demand than this year when she appeared in six movies. But to become the backbone of the two diverse movies listed above earned her a spot on my list.

Beauty from Out of Left Field – Freida Pinto Slumdog Millionaire
Director Danny Boyle selected this unknown in an audition process to play the grown-up Latika. I hope for Boyle’s sake it involved a trip to the casting couch.

Post Office Award – Al Pacino 88 Minutes & Righteous Kill
I can’t believe this is the same guy who was in The Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon, and even Donnie Brasco. At this point, he is just blatantly mailing it in…is it possible that he was one of Bernie Madoff's clients and that he needs the money this badly?

Overlooked Performance in a Highly Regarded Film - Evan Rachel Wood The Wrestler
Wood throws herself so completely into her role she makes it look too easy. Tomei has gotten all the acclaim, but her scenes do little more than move the plot along…Wood’s scenes make you invest and care about her relationship with her estranged father.

Biggest Upset – Mila Kunis over Kristen Bell Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Kunis was simply radiant and stunningly much hotter than Bell…I know, I can’t even believe it. She made me forget about seeing Jason Segel’s package not once, but twice in this movie.

Testicular Cancer Award – Pierce Brosnan Mamma Mia!
Brosnan once donned the tuxedo of 007 James Bond…and now he’s warbling (very similar to this) through a movie adaptation of a Broadway musical based on the songs of ABBA. Obviously, the surgery to remove his balls was successful.

Worst Attempt at Updating the Oscars Telecast – In an effort to draw a younger audience to the telecast this year, supposedly Zac Effron and Robert Pattinson are slated to be presenters. Is this the Oscars or Hot Chicks with Douchebags?

Best Unknown Cast – Richard Jenkins, Hiam Abbass, Haaz Sleiman, and Danai Gurira The Visitor
Jenkins is the most well-known of the bunch, but even he is just one of those guys who you know you’ve seen (probably his most high profile role is the dead father on Six Feet Under). The real surprise here is Sleiman who provides all the energy and light in the first half of the movie. And when his circumstances change, you can feel him hanging on by a thread. Hopefully, this movie will open up future roles for him.

Best Movie - In Bruges
This offbeat gem takes the buddy action flick and turns it on its ear. Everything here hits the bullseye - whip-smart and flawlessly timed dialogue, pitch perfect performances from Brendan Gleeson, Colin Farrell, and Ralph Fiennes, choreographed action sequences, and a ludicrous, wonderful turn by Jordan Prentice.

Best Performance - Heath Ledger makes The Dark Knight sparkle and crack whenever he’s on screen, but Mickey Rourke embodies The Wrestler. To borrow a phrase from Dave Eggers, it is a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...


  1. Max, I'm glad I read the rest of this post after the pre-reading at Al's - the remainder is just as good as "the taste" I got there.

  2. "That being said – I still love sitting in a dark movie theatre and discovering something or someone new." What kind of theaters are you visiting? Did you get a ZJ there? Also if anything falls on the floor of one of those theaters just leave it. It could be a hundred dollar bill and I would just as soon walk away.

  3. I wanted a ZJ, but I couldn't afford it