Football Picks, Gladiator-style!

We're trying something new this week. Welcome to the world-exclusive, first-ever DSB Panel of Experts™ Football Picks! Each of our three editors will be telling you who to gamble on this weekend of the NFL Conference Championships. In the early game, the Arizona Cardinals host the Philadelphia Eagles, and the late game features the Baltimore Ravens at the Pittsburgh Steelers. At this point, you should be very excited. Nowhere else can you get this level and depth of football expertise … at least, nowhere that we know of. If this was a commercial for a blockbuster movie preview, it would look something like this …

Opening scene – just a black screen with ominous music creeping in.

Narrator: "In a world …"

Scene – brief, quick cuts of tackles, passes and runs from the 2008 football season.

Narrator: "… in which terror reigns …"

Scene – more bruising hits and sounds of bones cracking.

Narrator: "… and the world is turned upside-down …"

Scene – three men look to the sky in slo-mo.

Narrator: "One man … no, er, … um … THREE men take it upon themselves …"

Scene – the three men are on a rooftop, looking to each other as the camera pans around them.

Narrator: "To put an end to the chaos."

Scene – loud rock music in front of a sequence of quick shots of explosions, motorcycles crashing through plate-glass windows, and heavy machine gun usage.

Narrator: "Three times the action. Three times the danger. Three times the fun. Daddy's Sugar Ball football picks!"

Scene: - the three heroes simultaneously jump to pull off a triple high-five. Fade out to black.

Wow! Are you now properly fired up!? I know I am! Let's get it on! First up is Managing Editor, ZJ. ZJ is 2-5-1 against the spread in the playoffs, but feels this is his "time to shine."

ZJ's Results	W	L	T
Wild Card Round	2	2	0
Divisional Round	0	3	1
TOTAL	2	5	1

Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS

The Cards' defense has stepped up in the playoffs and they'll have the home crowd behind them, so that favors Pittsburgh West Arizona. Plus, God's quarterback—Kurt Warner—has been playing at 1999 levels for much of the season, connecting with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, who's determined to play this week. I still don't trust their running game and I question if their defense is a mirage. The Wiz will no doubt have his players fired up, but the Cardinals don't have the big-game experience of the Eagles. Donny McNabb and Andy Reid have been here before, and even opened a can of whoop-ass on Thanksgiving day against the Cards. If Philly can get some production out of a banged-up Brian Westbrook, Arizona's defense will pause just enough for McNabb to make plays with his arm. Plus, Philly's defense has been swarming lately, and we all know defense wins in January.

The Pick: Eagles 27, Cardinals 17

STEELERS (-6) over Ravens

What's up with Derrick Mason? Have you seen him this week? I've never heard a peep from Mason in his 23 years in the league. All of a sudden, he's mouthing off like a WWE villain. What gives?? As if I needed more reason to hate the Ravens. Anyway, no team in the NFL—not even the ones sitting at home—is healthier than the Pittsburgh Steelers right now, and that is what's swaying my vote (well, that and my obnoxious Steelers bias). The Steelers are peaking now, looking unbeatable last week against San Diego. FWP is finally fully healthy, and that adds another dimension to this offense. The Ravens' defense is a mirror image of Pittsburgh's, but CB Samari Rolle is doubtful and Terrell Suggs is a game-time decision; and if Rolle and Suggs can't go, the Ravens D slips a notch. Ed Reed may get all the accolades, but Troy Polamalu gets the rings.

The Pick: Steelers 20, Ravens 13

Next up is our Content Editor, Max Power. Max has compiled a 3-5-0 record so far, but is confident that he can "teach you a lesson."

Max's Results	W	L	T
Wild Card Round	1	3	0
Divisional Round	2	2	0
TOTAL	3	5	0

Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS

Am I ready to have Brenda Warner on the Super Bowl stage for the next two weeks? Hell no … am I ready to have the insufferable Philly fans rejoice in another Super Bowl appearance? Hell no … but unless a small nuclear device is detonated in the greater Glendale area, someone has to win this game.

I see Jim Johnson's blitzing defense wreaking havoc on God's quarterback and the Holy Trinity of receivers and only Andy Reid's conservative play calling will keep this game close. Besides what could be worse for Philly fans - losing the NFC championship game or another Super Bowl?

The Pick: Eagles 26, Cardinals 17

Ravens (+6) over STEELERS

How come the national media gives Ray Lewis a free pass? The man was indicted for murder and yet no one … and I mean NO ONE brings this fact up. If Rae Carruth was back in the NFL, every announcer would mention it every time he touched the ball … and he only paid to have someone killed; he didn't actually stab two guys with his bare hands & a knife.

Speaking of which, it kills me to make this pick - but in the two Steelers/Ravens games this year the Steelers were microscopically better and I just feel like the Ravens are better and more confident now than they were a month ago.

The Pick: Ravens 19, Steelers 17

Finally, we give you our lovable Links Editor, Bearcat. Bearcat is proud to be 4-4-0 in the playoffs thus far, and claims that he is now "removing his pants." Take that as you will.

Bearcat's Results	W	L	T
Wild Card Round	1	3	0
Divisional Round	3	1	0
TOTAL	4	4	0

Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS

I have been wrong about the Eagles since they tied the lowly Bungles. I will probably be wrong about this one as well but I am rooting for a Philly/Pittsburgh Super Bowl. I want to crush Philly fans. Couple of thoughts about the QBs in this game: Kurt Warner looks like the kind of guy who would own a Segway. Do you want to bet with that guy? Donovan McNabb has the opportunity to get to the Super Bowl and once again rip the still-beating heart from the chest of every Eagle faithful. You know he can do it. So bet on that.

The Pick: Eagles 34 Cardinals 24


STEELERS (-6) over Ravens

The Steelers are going to win this game. They will win this game outright, I know it and more importantly, Vegas knows it. Hence the six-point spread. I am guessing Vegas sees it this way: the Steelers were the most dominant team to play last weekend (the Cardinals blowout does not count because Delhomme obviously either had money on the game, or his family was being held by the mob ... hey, did you know that game happened on his birthday? Yeah, bet you did not hear that before ... Fox only mentioned it 3,572 times during the broadcast). I also figure that Vegas looked at the Steelers and Ravens teams and has decided that enough people will be expecting a low scoring slugfest (expect CBS's people to call this a two-chinstrap game at least 5,000 times during the game) that they will be running to drop cash on the Ravens knowing they will cover. Well, if there is one thing I have learned, it's that Vegas is always right. Vegas is currently giving the Steelers 1.5 to 1 odds of winning the Super Bowl ... that's right, winning. So give the points and laugh at your friends for cheering for a close game. Some things to keep in mind ...

1. Future Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau will order James Harrison to have sex with Joe Flacco [Ed. Note: Dick LeBeau ordered the CODE RED!]. He will require penetration on the field. This will happen in front of 68,000 rabidly drunk fans and millions of TV viewers. James Harrison will do this, even though he will be getting held (tackled) on every play because Future Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau can recite The Night Before Christmas from memory and that makes James Harrison want to commit rape for his coach. This is a good thing.

2. Opponent offensive lines have not had a holding call called against them during a Steeler game since before that Illinois governor was a household name that no one could say. This trend continued during last week's game where Steeler defenders were either held or tackled on what looked like every play. The Rooney's had to make a phone call this week right? They are not going to put up with this crap any more ... I expect the defense to come up huge this week against a rookie QB that is going to have his wings clipped.

3. Mike Tomlin's puffy coat.

4. Hines Ward might decapitate someone. The refs will not throw a flag on the play. CBS will replay the killer block 50 times, people will cheer and fathers will tell sons that is what makes football a man's game. The NFL will fine Hines 10K on Monday.

5. Pirate spring training tickets went on sale this morning at 10am ... we need the Steelers to win because I can't start listening to Pittsburghers talking about the Pirates yet. I just can't.

The Pick: Steelers 27 Ravens 10

So there you have it. Your 2008 (2009??) DSB Panel of Experts Football Picks™. What have we learned? First, that we would make awesome action heroes. And secondly, that ZJ and Bearcat are your trustworthy buddies, and Max Power is a no-good backstabbing son-of-a-bitch. That you for suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball.

Need to make some money? Gamble on some playoff football!

Seeing how DSB's other two editors haven't exactly made you any money by telling you who to choose the last two weeks, they have begged me to share my intimate knowledge of football and gambling to save face with you, the reader. No need to thank me; just buy me a beer and marvel at my abilities (home team in CAPS).

Ravens (+3) over TITANS

Fact #1: The Ravens have played exceptionally well over the last ten weeks of the season, with rookie QB Joe Flacco smartly following the patented Ben Roethlisberger Rookie Plan©: let your defense control the tempo of the game, take what the defense gives you and don't kill your team's chances with unnecessary mistakes.

Fact #2: Kerry Collins is prominently involved. You can't trust Collins to play must-win football against the Baltimore defense, which is scary-good. Baltimore's game plan is to shut down the vaunted Titan running game—which they will do—forcing Collins to make plays. This is a near-impossibility. I pray you didn't lay the points.

The Pick: Ravens 24, Titans 16

PANTHERS (-10) over Cardinals

Despite everyone picking this one, this is by far the easiest call of the week. Everyone knows Arizona can't win in the eastern time zone and that Carolina is 8-0 at home. It's midnight, Cinderella.

The Pick: Panthers 31, Cardinals 17

GIANTS (-4) over Eagles

Is it me, or does everyone love the Eagles now? Sure, they didn't implode against the Vikings last week, but is that reason enough to take them over the New York Football Giants, who were the class of the league all season long? The Giants are fresh off a much-needed bye with a healthy Brandon Jacobs, who's injury coincided with New York's sluggish play at the end of the season. I'm not buying the whole "Philly's peaking" mantra being thrown around by their deranged fans and the media; they crushed a soulless Dallas team that had given up in Week 17, but couldn't muster any offense against an indifferent Redskins team in Week 16. I do believe the Giants were holding back until wrapping up home-field advantage against the Panthers, and they give Philly both barrels on Sunday.

The Pick: Giants 30, Eagles 13

Chargers (-6) over STEELERS

Another West Coast team playing in the eastern time zone. Rivers, Sproles and the San Diego defense give Charger fans reason to believe, and I think this one will be the marquee slugfest of the weekend. The Chargers defense is peaking right now and flying to the ball, which gives them a good chance against the Steelers punch-less offense. Thanks to LaDainian Tomlinson's petrifying lower body, Darren Sproles is getting his rightful opportunity to scare the bejeezus out of opposing defenses and no QB has put his team on his shoulders as well as Philip Rivers has. I don't care. The weather in Pittsburgh right now is tailor-made for playoff football, Steeler-style. No coach in the game can motivate a team like Mike Tomlin can, and this will be too easy for him to persuade his team to ratchet it up a notch. No one's afraid of the Steelers O because it isn't explosive, but the playing conditions tomorrow will dictate Steeler football: grind the other team down and pick your spots to hit tight ends over the middle and receivers downfield. It won't be pretty, but your wallet will be when it's over.

The Pick: Steelers 20, Chargers 17

Some Links...Some Thoughts...

The NFL has a "Terrible" idea for a Towel. As a Steeler fan and having loved and missed Myron Cope, this just pissed me off. The NFL would never have tried this if Cope was alive.

LDT is doubtful for Sunday's game against the Steelers... way to cement that legacy of coming up short at the end of the season. I am sure Tom Jackson will take the time on Sunday NFL Countdown to defend you HOF credentials... I can hear it now "Its not his fault. The San Diego Chargers have either run him or thrown to him on every play over the past 5 years. Playing professional football in the National Football League is hard on professional National Football League players bodies and LT's National Football League groin is a victim of white coaches in the National Football League."

I am NOT defending Adam "Missle Command" Jones...but this is another example of ESPN making the news it reports. ESPN is too close this situation and is both part of the story and the reporting. How is this not a conflict? ESPN needs to stop making the news...

The man who accidentally ran over John Gotti's young son was allegedly dumped in a vat of acid by a twisted Gambino hit man. Charles Carneglia, 62, who is awaiting trial for five Mafia murders, once boasted of his sick specialty in a tutorial for a turncoat would-be mobster, explaining "that acid was the best method to use to avoid detection." This is a great news story and is a must read.

Man breaks into an adult shop and has sex with the dolls... need I say more?

This video is called 2 girls 1 cup. It is the most fucked up video I have ever seen. This video makes Japanese porn look like Sesame Street. I think this was the video that Nicholas Cage was watching in 8mm... I am serious be careful. (Of course you are going to click on this but at least you have been forewarned)

Stuff I thought...

Finding a good relationship is like digging through a discount DVD bin; they all suck but a couple might start to look OK in context with one another.

Wearing a stained, old, plain white T-shirt out in public is subtle way of letting everyone around you know, "I've got nothing to lose."

"Mentos moments" look more like "I'm pretty drunk but I have an idea" moments to me...

Those Wendy's 3conomics guys can go 4uck themselves.

Bearcat's not quite Top Ten...

Not Quite Top Ten first names for CNN Anchors:

10. Wolf

9. Affirmative Action

7. Progresso

5. Campbell

4. Thirty Six

2. Qwerty

1. Anderson

Mini rant...

Quick thought about the Jets, Mangini, and Farve...

1. You have to believe that Mangini wanted to bench Farve in week 12 or 13 (if not 11) right? He had to consider it. My guess is Jets management said no. (Farve is managment)

2. At that point he was fired...he just did not know it yet.

3. Farve cost the Jets a real chance at getting Bill Cowher. I don't believe the story about Bill not wanting the job after the owner did not take the time to meet with him. I think he asked if Farve was coming back... Jets said "We want him back." Bill said no thanks.

4. If Roger Clemens was not a child molester I would be lobbying for Farve to inherit the Anti-Christ label. Between the Lions-Gate (which did not get enough scrutiny), his pill popping (forgot about that one right?), his constant on again off again retirement, his uncanny ability to throw wide receive killing pass and game killing INTs and the constant drum beat of his hall of fame status by media glory-holers I want to see this guy come back next year only for the hope of the chance to see him paralyzed by a James Harrison sack.

That's it for now...Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball, please take the time to comment below.

Go Steelers!

Bearcat

ESPN's Online Downgrade

I want to thank ESPN. I bitch about you to every human being that will listen. I complain to no end about your inability to refrain from making the news you cover. I can’t stand most of your anchors and nearly every “expert.” As a little Bearcat I can remember watching Sports Center reruns two or three times in one day… soaking in every detail of the prior days sports news. Now I just wait for the “All 22” segment so I can hear Emmitt Smiff discuss how the Steelers deef-ence needs to attract the ball and use-tilize the run bits on third and sorts. Put simply, I hate your TV content but I have nowhere else to go. I get my Pittsburgh sports news form FSN Pittsburgh (it is great and the only way I can stand being away from my beloved sports teams), but for national coverage on TV all I got is Sports Center…

And as bad as the TV stuff had become at least the online content was good. For years Page 2 was the most important website during my work day. I read and loved Jason Whitlock, loved Shandoff, tolerated Skip Gayless and patiently waited for Sports Guy and DeGallo updates to get me through the pain of another workday. But eventually ESPN killed Whitlock’s column (at the time I blamed Mike Lupica and ESPN TV)…Shandoff grew tired of ESPN or was not reupped on contract and eventually Page 2 died a little bit. I still read Sports Guy but most of the time I am disappointed and frankly just spend the time looking for clues as to if he is on his way out or taking a shot at editors or ESPN management. Now I get my sports columns else where, I go to fox sports, I read kissing suzy kolber and I check Deadspin.com often enough to account for at least 2% of their daily hits. My sports life is better informed and more fun today. But for hard sports news and analysis I still go to ESPN.com. When wanted to know the scores for all the games and only wanted to look one place I went to ESPN.com. Box Score for the Pirates lasted disaster… ESPN.com… Fantasy breakdown… First stop? You guessed it, ESPN.com.

And what do I get for my loyalty to this site… a retooling akin to New Coke. It wasn’t bad enough that you went and gave that ass wipe Rick Reilly a huge contract. I could almost get over that but then you had to go and make your website a complete cluster fuck.

So here are a couple suggestions for you other than just simply retro back to the old design…

1. More Pontiac game changer advertisements. I know that the load time on this website is currently sitting north of two minutes but if you could make that ad a little larger and more annoying it could add at least another minute of load time. While your at it can you make the Ford F-150 ad a little bigger as well. I need to be reminded of the fact that Ford has a all new redesigned truck in a more prominent way. Thanks.

2. More video… those Pontiac and F-150 ads are only doing half the work to bog down my computer. If you ad a second video panel I am sure you could push the ten minute mark.

3. While adding the video and additional ads please post the headlines and scores in a smaller and more illegible font. They are almost too easy to read. After going nearly blind waiting for the page to load up I think I could make out at least two scores. Why are you helping me?

4. Can we move the link for ESPN cars to the top of the page? I really would hate to miss “Hot Celebrities and Their Hotter SUVs” (Fuck this makes me angry… do you really think guys give two shits about this fucking crap!!!)

5. More crippling code… I know you have tried to make the page completely useless by ensuring that Internet Explore craps out half the time I log on to your website but that is making my PC Russian Roulette less fun. I want a more random crashing of my already unstable POS Microsoft program. How about if the website crashes when I am mid-paragraph and not just when I am surfing between baseball tonight’s website and my fantasy page or just coming on to the ESPN home page. That would make me near homicidal and finish ESPN’s desire to completely infuriate the male universe.

Thanks… you former loyal reader,

Bearcat

Links and Video...

Just some links and video today... If it works out tomorrow might see a running diary for the first two games of wild card weekend. So without further ado... the Links

Dane Cook's brother/business manager apparently embezzled millions of Dane's money even going so far as to write himself a three million dollar check... after watching Tourgasm... I feel like that check should have been written to me. I would not convict this guy... I don't think I could.

Artificial virgin hymen... obviously NSFW... I really don't even know what to say about this product

Letters from working girls... this is what rock bottom sounds like

Five drinking myths that can actually kill you...

This is some fucked up shit right here...


The only thing more painful than watching Taylor Swift avoid the Jonas Brothers for about an hour on a stage the size of Prius was watching Dick Clark do the countdown... someone pull the plug on this. (pun intended)



Stuff I thought over the past week....

News Headline I'd Like to See: Economy Now Excuse for Everything.

List of the most depressing places to get drunk: 1) Mall Food Court 2)Toyota Tracel 3) North Dakota.

Road head is proof that God loves man yet wants man to die in a horrifying and fiery crash.

Why would anyone be willing to play football at BYU?

Ms. Bearcat asked me this week "Do you think the crime rate in Detroit is so high because the Lions lost all their games?" Me: (answering in .0002 seconds) Yes.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball... please take the time to comment if you visit and check back tomorrow.

Bearcat

Playoffs...Glorious Playoffs!!!

Even though my fantasy football season has been over for about two months now, the actual NFL season wrapped up just last Sunday and this weekend boasts the first round of playoffs. Without further ado, here is DSB's highly scientific breakdown of these games in order of confidence.

Eagles (-3) over VIKINGS
Every time I think I have the Eagles figured out, they blow my expectations (see the last 2 weeks - a stinker against the Redskins and a thrashing of the Cowboys). However, the more I look at the matchups in this game the more I'm sure they will easily advance to the next round against their rival the New York Giants. Fortunately for Andy Reid and his crack clock management team, I don't think this game will come down to the final minutes. To borrow a phrase from fellow editor Bearcat, Jim Johnson's Philly defense will do everything short of have sex with Tavaris Jackson in the backfield on Sunday afternoon.

It's very difficult for me to support the Eagles when Philly sports fans are the most insufferable fanbase. And it would do nothing but please me to see their high (and unreasonable) expectations for a 9-6-1 team shattered...I just don't think the Vikes are the team that can take a sledgehammer to the 700 Level's dreams.

Colts (-1.5) over CHARGERS
Arguably this Saturday night contest is a matchup of the two hottest teams entering the postseason. Since firing their defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell at the season's halfway point, the Chargers have actually played solid defense while quartback Philip Rivers (aka Malmalard) has put his team's fortunes on his back.

The Colts were two 4th quarter comebacks away from starting the season 0-4, but since then the inevitable 2008 MVP (Peyton Manning) has gotten healthier and the team has followed suit.

Simply put, Norv Turner is prominently involved...therefore, I'm pushing my chips all-in to watch him fold under the playoff pressure.

DOLPHINS (+3.5) over Ravens
I don't think the Dolphins and Coach Tony Sparano are getting the recognition they deserve. Most experts and pundits are giving Bill Parcells, a rejuvenated Chad Pennington, and the Wildcat formation the credit for their dramatic turnaround. In actuality, it's the ball-control offense and a very under-appreciated defense that deserves the praise.

That being said I think the Ravens are the better team here...but once the line went above a field goal, I think you have to lay money on the Fins. Do you really want to rely on a rookie quarterback (Joe Flacco - a few hairs short of rocking a unibrow) on the road to win by 4? I didn't think so...

Falcons (-2) over CARDINALS
Even though I am almost swayed by the analysis of KSK's Drew Magary regarding Atlanta's five losses coming at the hands of big passing teams, I can't find myself rooting against these Falcons. I was wrong about Michael Turner being a viable #1 RB...I was wrong about Matt Ryan being a viable QB in his rookie season...and I was very wrong about Mike Smith being a viable head coach in the NFL. It took me 16 games, but I'm on the bandwagon and can't wait for a division matchup against the Panthers next weekend.

Considering God's favorite quarterback (aka Kurt Warner) has won only one Super Bowl, I'm convinced there won't be any divine intervention in this wild-card round. Speaking of which - how come no announcer has named the receiving corps of Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston as "The Holy Trinity"? When Warner is slinging it around, it seems like even Neil Everett could have come up with that. Well, blasphemous or not...I'm copyrighting it right here. Unfortunately, they'll only be around 1 week of these playoffs.

Enjoy the games this weekend and as always thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball.