Happy New Year...

I am a Pitt fan... I make no bones about who I root for in sports... if it is a Pittsburgh sports team I am in. But Pitt Football, throughout my life has been a really tough one to get behind. They are just always spinning their wheels... even in the Johnny Majors years it was never enough for Pittsburgh sports fans. So what is my alternative? Penn State? Pitts' most hated rival (that we never play). Now that I live in the mid-state no thank you; there are enough of JoePa's jock sniffers out here already... so I suffer with Pitt. Besides you don't just start rooting for another team because your team is lousy. That's for girls and people from Boston (you know it's right). On the bright side Pitt has earned (via a crappy regular season record) the opportunity this year to disappoint in front of the entire nation in the Brut Essence of Man Sun Bowl (people still use that shitty toilet water cologne?) So here are a couple of thoughts about Pitt and the game not a real running diary...I know. I'm lazy.

First this is our head coach...

Inspiring right?

I am not a Penn State fan as noted above but wouldn't you rather have this guy calling the shots?

Hey USC can you hear this? No? Maybe I should turn it up for you...

CBS is trying to sell this POS game as a defensive struggle... trying to fuck a virgin who forgot to take out her tampon is a defensive struggle this is a offensive struggle. They are terrible... I would commence drinking but I am as sick as a dog.

Verne Lundquist just said "Wannstedt told me that he gave it to Ricky Williams 14 straight times and is not afraid to do it again to LeSean McCoy." See blogging is easy.

Pitt lost 3-0... hope you bet the under.

After the game they gave a best lineman award to a Pitt player (Greg Romeos). They had to wait for him to run out of the tunnel to accept. It looked more like they were rubbing salt into his wounds than giving an award. Why not just mail the trophey to him?

The Oregon State head coach can't lift the trophy over his head... what a pussy.

Not much else to say, that game fucking sucked even if you are an Beaver fan (and hey who isn't) that game sucked.

Happy New Year and thanks for suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball. See you in the New Year!

Bearcat

Betting on Week 17 and Coal for Christmas

Betting on the last week of the NFL season is completely insane. You have no idea which players are going to play and which will be watching from the sidelines in an extremely oversized coat. We can expect to see appearances this week from NFL stars and non-stars of past and future such as David Carr, Vince Young, Jim Sorgi, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Kyle Orton, and Tavaris “Fumbles” Jackson. The sad part is some of those quarterbacks have been playing multiple games this season, and (God help us) one might play in the playoffs. Hopefully at the expense of the Patriots sitting at home after going 11-5…
Home team in CAPS

BUCCANEERS (-13) over Raiders
Pirate Fight! I betting Chucky uses the motivation of a playoff berth and sticking it to his former employer to blow out the Raiders. I look at it this way…if the Lions were not going for 0-16 and if the Brown, Cinci and KC were not so terrible… we would be talking about how the Raiders over the past couple years may be approaching Buzzsaw status.

PACKERS (-9.5) over Lions
You’d think the Lions might come out with some pride and try to not be the first team to go 0-16, but this posting is about betting money on football not pride. Last weekend playing the Saints the Lions looked like a football team only while exiting the locker room. After that they looked like a Jersey girl with those really long fake nails trying not to break one while opening a can of beer. It would have been comical if it were not so fucking pathetic.

Cowboys (+1.5) over EAGLES
I am trying to figure out who will look more ridiculous in those NFL issued puffy coats. I am going to go with Wade Phillips. I wish I could bet on that. BTW-the Cowboys getting a point and a half seems insane after seeing the Eagles shit the bed against the Redskins last week. Take the points and thank me later.

VIKINGS (-7) over Giants
Don’t expect to see any Giants you know playing this one. Also, don’t expect to see any talented Vikings quarterbacks.

TEXANS (-2.5) over Bears
The Bears will probably find a way to win against what I think is a better team. Do not bet on this game… Also even if the Bears win they are not making the playoffs.

Panthers (-3) over SAINTS
The Panthers are not going to somehow miss out on the division crown after being just a missed field goal away from the #1 overall seed. On the plus side if they don’t win this game and have to play in the first round they will beat the Cardinals by roughly 40 points in the first round of the playoffs and then can beat the Giants in New York in the revenge game.

FALCONS (-14) over Rams
Think Mike Vick is happy the Falcons are doing so well? My guess is that he will not be watching this game from his Fed provided rape stand. (That reminds me; I need to send a thank you card to Vick for introducing the term rape stand into my life.)

BENGALS (-3) over Chiefs”We play to win the game!” …unless my head is on the chopping block. If you bet on this game you are saying I will bet any. I need the action.

RAVENS (-12) over Jaguars
I’m really glad that I am not a Jacksonville offensive player this week. With the playoffs still on the line, the Ravens defense is going to do everything short of having actual sex with them. The over/under on number of on field felonies performed by the Ravens defense this week's game is six and a half. (Bet the over)

COLTS (+3) over Titans
Neither of these teams have anything to play for...that being said I think the Colts have learned in the past that shutting it down at the end of the season does not help and they are on a roll… they want to keep that up.

STEELERS (-10.5) over Browns
Holy shit the Browns went south fast… The Steelers could rest their top 42 players, play the remaining 11 both-ways, and still win this game and cover.

Dolphins (+3) over JETS
Karma has to be on the side of Chad Pennington. I like betting with Karma… money line for seeing Brett Farve’s retirement crocodile tears… 100/10.

Patriots (-6.5) over BILLS
Going 11-5 and missing the playoffs has to have Beli-cheat (not known for being a gracious loser) ready to beat other peoples two timing wives. I am very excited to see the Boston area melt down and scream for Goodell to fix the playoff system. I want Bob Ryan’s head to explode. I want Bill Simmons to blame the Steelers and their “dirty hit” on Welker. I wish I could bet on the number of over turned cars in Boston Common this Sunday night. It is impossible for me to tell you how happy this result will make me. I will gloat about this for years. I plan to tell my grandchildren that there is a just God in heaven because this happened. Moving on…

Seahawks (+6) over CARDINALS
The Cardinals have looked dead since clinching their playoff berth. But Kurt Warner is more interesting in saving souls verses saving a franchise. I hope is wife reads this and comments. Of course no one reads this so that chances of that happening are only slightly better than the chances of the Buzzsaw winning a playoff game.

Redskins (+3) over 49ERS
This might be the least interesting game in a week were half the games don’t matter…it should be broadcast on Oxygen. To boost interest the NFL could go WWE style and make it a “You’re Fired Match.” Losing coach loses his job. Camera should be transfixed on the coaches through out the game with frequent interruptions by side-line princesses asking them about how it feels to have their jobs hanging in the balance.

CHARGERS (-8) over Broncos
I have not been right on the Broncos all year… they have fucked me every step of the way so I can not cheer for them. Also as soon as this game ends, go ahead and bet $6 million against the winner of this game and the Cards in a two team teaser.

With yesterday being Christmas and all I thought you might be interested to know who in the “Wide Wide World of Sports” found a lump of coal under their tree last night…

Sean Avery: This guy was such a jerk during the playoffs last year that the NHL created and named a rule after him DURING the playoffs. He followed this up by calling a mini-press conference in front his locker so as to inform North American that NHL players can’t get enough of his sloppy seconds.

Scott Boras: For trying to screw over the Pirates… like they need any help getting fucked?

Roger (The Anti-Christ) Clemens: Hey remember the Mitchell report from 2007? No. Good just like MLB likes it. But in an attempt to make sure that his name is soiled for all eternity a few juicy (juice—get it?) facts came to light: His supposed best-friend, Andy Pettitte, acknowledging that Clemens indeed used performance-enhancing drugs, an appearance before a Congressional committee to defend his name (that went well), accusations of a 10-year affair with country music singer Mindy McCready, which began when she was just 15-years old (he’s a pedophile to boot!), and a report that Clemens was one of many major leaguers who used Viagra to help on-field performance( I am sure it was only needed for on-field performance).
Angel Matos: He should be getting a lump of coal but Santa is too afraid he will get a round house kick to the face. You might remember him as the Judo Olympian who kick the judge in the face after getting DQ’ed…

Travis Henry: It is tough to provide for one’s family during these tough economic times… just imagine trying to provide for your nine families. Travis Henry got busted in September, for drug trafficking multiple kilograms (that’s kilograms with a K) of cocaine. Henry faces 10 years to life if convicted.

Plaxico Burress: Plax will also be getting a pair of jeans and a belt with his coal.

O.J. Simpson: Believes that the real killers deserve the coal.

I am sure there are more people that got coal this Christmas but finding out who would require real research...

Hope you had a great Christmas and Good Luck in the New Year. Thanks for suckling DSB.

Bearcat

Merry Christmas from DSB

Best wishes this holiday season from DSB to all our faithful readers.

Bearcat

Boston sports nightmare...

From ESPN's Sports Guy: “Just know that if a gutty 11-5 Pats team is forced to sit out the playoffs because NFL rules demand that one of these two crappy AFC West teams be included, I'm sending a special homemade batch of holiday turd egg nog to the NFL offices with the note "ATTN: Roger Goodell." Damn it all.”

I am going to root for this out come like I have never rooted for anything my entire life. I want, nay, I need this to happen, I need it in my life like I need oxygen. After celebrating the Brady knee-capping earlier this year, I need to celebrate the failure of an 11-5 Patriots team making the playoffs. This would be the one of most wonderful events of my life. I would celebrate it like a wedding. I am seriously considering making a deal with the devil just to ensure this scenario plays out. God help me.

Bearcat

In Lieu of the Rookie list this week I present the first...
Official Bearcat NFL Rankings
1. Titans – Can you imagine if this team had this record and Vince Young was at the helm? 1. Peter King would be masturbating to the idea of Young as the greatest QB in NFL History and 2. ESPN would have inserted Rachel Nichols directly into his anus for 24/7 reporting.
2. Giants
3. Steelers
4. Panthers – Bill Cowher must be pissed that John Fox was able to pull it together in Carolina… he wanted this job and if the Panthers disappointed early it could have been his.
5. Ravens
6. Colts – Tony Dungy is still the first African American NFL coach to win a Super Bowl.
7. Buccaneers
8. Cowboys – Adam “Missile Command” Jones’ career might be over after a serious neck injury during the Steelers game last week. Wonder how that guy who was paralyzed after Jones “made it rain” in Vegas feels about this. My guess is Jones should not expect a “Get Well Soon” card.
9. Cardinals – The Buzzsaw is in the top ten…WTF?
10. Eagles – Remember when Andy Reid decided to punt the ball with 1:42 left in OT with short yardage? Yeah well Eagles fans will remember it again when they fail to make the playoffs due to that tied game against the Bengals… The BENGALS.
11. Patriots – Matt Cassel’s father died this week… bet the under.
12. Falcons – Every time I see Mike Turner I think of that Pittsburgh original, Turner’s Dairy Iced Tea…the best carton tea. Period.
13. Vikings – Is it just me or does Purple Jesus seem more like a Purple Muhammad these days? If he puts on 150 pounds this off season would that make him Purple Buddha?
14. Jets
15. Dolphins – Wondering if Joey Porter is still feeding mini ponies to his dogs given the dramatic downturn in the economy…
16. Saints
17. Broncos – RB Peyton Hillis had the potential to be a star white running back… until he blew out his hammy… that lasted long.
18. Bears – Brian Urlacher was caught on tape willing to trade a case of Vitamin Water and his Paris Hilton sex tape for a Senate seat.
19. Redskins
20. Texas – I don’t know what to think of this team unless they are wearing those ugly red uniforms.
21. Packers
22. Chargers – I am waiting for LDT to commence “Operation Shut Down.” Come on LDT you know you want to. Why risk the injury? Do it… Do it.
23. Bills
24. 49ers
25. Jaguars
26. Browns – Are currently waiting for another QB injury.
27. Seahawks – Tough stadium to play in with a huge home field advantage but not bigger than that of the
28. Chiefs – Arrowhead is the toughest stadium in the NFL for visiting teams… expect this year. 29. Raiders – Currently reviewing the nation’s criminal records files for the upcoming draft.
30. Rams
31. Bengals
53. Lions – I know there are 32 teams in the NFL but I figure there are at least 22 college, high school and Pop Warner football teams that can either win or cover against this embarrassing football team.

Your Not Quite Top Ten, Top Ten Euphemisms for Female Urination
10. Bailing out the Box
7. Pregnancy Testing
6. Her-ination
4. Tapping the Frilly Pink Kidney
2. Golden Shower is and extra 50 bucks… (perv)
1. Addressing the needs of my bladder

Now for you Thursday Links… Seriously?
Enough of this equal rights crap. You have a softball team. Enjoy. If the guys wanted to try out for the softball team would anybody fight to help them out? No. Now get back in the kitchen and shut your bitch mouth!

Consol Energy bought the naming rights to the new home of the Penguins… Everyone will still call it the Civic Arena… Pittsburghers don’t like change.

8 Insane Body Modifications…

Best nickname of the year...FIGJAM... If you check out only one link this week, make it this one.

Due to the serious lack of links this week and the fact that we have the holidays upon us DSB is here to offer some advice regarding attending holiday parties: Gentlemen (who am I kidding) Guys - do not drink girl drinks, examples include Cosmopolitans, Martinis that are not simply Gin or Vodka with Vermouth, Daquiris (your not on vacation) and basically anything fruity. Stick to beer, shots, and mixed drinks involving vodka, whiskey, rum and tequila with one mixer. However - ALL guys should be well versed in the preparation of girly drinks. How do you think I got my wife? Two words… Amaretto Sours.

Speaking of beer… it’s the holidays. How about splurging a bit and avoid bringing that piss flavored Natty Light to the party. Scrooge drinks Natty Light because it is the only substance on Earth more bitter and nasty than his soul. Better yet, skip the light beer altogether and bring a manly beer. How about something with flavor? Support your local micro or craft brewers, hell if you are that much of a simpleton just buy a Samuel Adams Winter Variety case… just don’t take cheap shit beer to the party.

At work place parties, occasionally look around and find someone drunker than you. If you can't find someone drunker than you, STOP DRINKING. You are the drunk person. While it would be highly hypocritical of DSB not to fully support getting face meltingly drunk, it defeats the purpose if you are the only one getting smashed and it is only 7 pm. If this is a work holiday party… best make sure others are far more plastered than you are.

Learn how to properly pour beer from a keg ... head is what you are hoping to get from the girl in accounting. Therefore, do not over pump of the keg. You are not looking to launch the space shuttle just trying to get 12 oz of liquid out of a sealed steel barrel, calm the FUCK down butter churner.

Clean up your mess - Everyone occasionally has a bad night drinking and causes a mess. Either clean up your mess or make it up to your friend the next day. Making up means apologizing and buying a GOOD case of beer or bottle of liquor… Natty Light or Wild Turkey do not say “I’m sorry” as much as “Best get thrashed because that is what I did to your place.” If it happens at the bar, blame someone else and move on.

Guys - NEVER let a girl out chug you as this will cause others to question your sexuality. That’s just the rules I don’t make them up… suck it up and learn to drink.

Bitch beer - Girls love Miller Lite. This never became more apparent than last weekend when Mrs. Bearcat (NOT a beer drinker) said “Was that Miller Lite? I liked it.” If you expect to have a party that isn't a sausage fest be sure to have Miller Lite as one of the beers. As stated before drink a manly beer… There will be plenty of Miller Lite later after you finish drinking your man beer… girls don’t drink much...that’s why we call them girls.

The official DSB hangover cure: Gatorade chasing Aleve. When planning to drink heavy, have some of this nearby.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball... please take the time to comment below Bearcat

BREAKING NEWS! ESPN wants your attention!

Why is it that every lead story on ESPN these days is BREAKING NEWS? CC Sabathia meets with the Yankees? BREAKING NEWS. J.J. Putz is involved in a 12-player trade to the Mets? BREAKING NEWS. Clinton Portis is miffed at coach Jim Zorn? Well, that's just a DEVELOPING STORY, with the potential to become BREAKING NEWS if they can't settle their differences. ESPN is now giving special treatment to regular 'ole news with ominous music and eye-catching graphics to make it seem more important than it really is. And when they're desperate and want to make sure you're still paying attention, they roll out THIS JUST IN, complete with all the pomp and circumstance of BREAKING NEWS. Poor Carmelo Anthony scoring 33 points in the 3^rd quarter on Wednesday night had to settle for THIS JUST IN at the start of the 4^th quarter, instead of the more provocative DEVELOPING STORY, if only the lowly minions at the WorldWide Leader had payed attention sooner. I'm shocked—SHOCKED!—at the restraint showed by ESPN that Anthony's night didn't become BREAKING NEWS when they discovered that he had set a team record for points in a quarter ...

So the New York Yankees have signed free agent CC Sabathia to a record-breaking (for a pitcher) deal of seven years and $161 million. Now they've got their pinstriped sights set on free agent A.J. Burnett with an offer of five years and $80 million. I have to say, I love it. Wasn't it around this time last year that the Yankees were preaching patience, tempering their love of quick-fix free agents with the wholesome yummyness of developing their farm system and building from within? My, how the seasons change. With Loud Hal now in charge of the organization and feeling the emptiness of missing the playoffs for the first time since 1995, it didn't take long for the Yanks to revert to their free-wheeling ways of overspending for players. Their modus operandi is to boldly outbid every other team by $20 million, and what's $20 million to the Yankees? Peanuts! Which, incidentally, will cost $9 a bag at the stadium next year. I applaud this. The Yankees I know hand out blockbuster contracts like a Pez dispenser. I think they should stop fighting who they are and embrace their Yankee-ness. Go all out. Don't just stop at Burnett. Sign every big-name free agent on the board. Ben Sheets? Two years, $30 million. Next. Derek Lowe? Four years, $70 million. Next. Bring back Andy Pettite, because you know it's inevitable. One year, $15 million, even though at this point he isn't worth more than $6 million. That should shore up the rotation to look something like this:

1. CC Sabathia
   
2. A.J. Burnett
   
3. Ben Sheets
   
4. Chien-Ming Wang
   
5. Derek Lowe
   

And Andy Pettite is good insurance for the multiple trips to the DL by Sheets and Burnett. Joba Chamberlain moves back to the bullpen to bridge the starters to Mariano Rivera. Let's move on to position players … first of all, it looks like our beloved Yanks are trading Melky Cabrera to the Brewers for Mike Cameron. Good move – Cameron costs more, so you just know he's the better player. Mark Teixiera? Eight years, $180 million. Manny? Suck it up and give him three years and $75 million. Rafael Furcal? Sorry, we already have a shortstop. But I will take some Orlando Hudson for five years and $40 million. Now we're getting somewhere! With these modest signings, your 2009 Yanks will look like this:

1. Mike Cameron, CF
   
2. Derek Jeter, SS
   
3. Mark Teixeira, 1B
   
4. Alex Rodriguez, 3B
   
5. Manny Ramirez, LF
   
6. Nick Swisher, RF
   
7. Johnny Damon, DH
   
8. Jorge Posada, C
   
9. Orlando Hudson, 2B
   

Not too bad if I do say so myself! The best part is that all these signings create roster flexibility and a deep bench, which are two crucial components of a playoff team. Said bench will consist of LF/DH Hideki Matsui, 2B Robinson Cano, RF Xavier Nady and C Jose Molina.

The only minor downside to the Yankees "win-at-all-costs," "money-is-no-object" mentality is that these signings may cause their payroll to swell a bit. But in the grand scheme of things, it's not against the rules and they can afford it. After all, who doesn't want to pay $14 for a cup of beer at the new Yankee Stadium?

 

Criminals...because sports would be kind of boring with out you guys

NYC Mayor/multi-billionaire did a presser earlier last week just to make sure everyone knows that he expects the DA to play shutdown corner on Plaxico Burress and basically said that he expects a conviction with serious jail time. So with Plax and his thigh hole looking at 3+ years in the clink and with O.J. Simpson getting put away until he is at least 70 years old I thought I would have a rundown of Athletes who have been put in the slammer...

So now I present the The Bearcat Not quite Ten Top Ten Athletes in Jail...

Number 10: In 2001, a judge sentenced Rae Carruth to serve at least 18 years and 11 months in prison. The Carolina Panthers wide receiver was convicted of ordering a hit on his pregnant girlfriend. She scribbled a note implicating her boyfriend before dying. A man who confessed to the shooting said Carruth planned to pay him $5,000 to avoid paying child support. Ray-Ray is a classy guy... some how the NFL broadcasters fail to ever bring this up... I think the NFL currently have a small army of lawyers working to rewrite the history of this guy and completely remove his name from NFL history.




Number 7: Maurice Clarett was once of the best college football players in the country. As a freshman at Ohio State, he rushed for 1,237 yards and 16 touchdown touchdowns. He capped the season by helping his team win the national championship at the Fiesta Bowl. It was his last game for Ohio State. In September 2006, Clarett pleaded guilty to charges of aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon. After getting his goose on (the guy loves grey goose vodka) he was found with an AK-47 and several hand guns... after a short stand off in a wrecked car he had a date with a judge who sentenced Clarett to seven and a half years in prison with the possibility for parole after three and a half. Now that he is can't get his beloved Goose, I'm guessing he has gotten proficient with making toilet wine. I am willing to put money down that the Raiders will be making an offer shortly after his release.

Number 5: In 2004, Mike Danton was sentenced to seven and a half years in prison for a murder-for-hire plot. Prosecutors said the pro hockey center tried to hire a hit man to kill his agent, David Frost. According to court documents, Danton feared Frost would sink his hockey career by publicizing the fact that he was gay... which would totally not be a big deal in the very progressive locker rooms of the NHL. Frost recently had his own courtroom appearance. He was acquitted of sexual exploitation charges involving teenage hockey players and their girlfriends. The fact that you did not know about this just goes to show you how bad the state of hockey is right now... Do you think a jury would have convicted him if he was trying to get Scott Boras fired? I say no... but I am a Pirates fan. I hate Scott Boras.

Number 4: In 1995, former L.A. Rams defensive back Darryl Henley was convicted on drug trafficking charges and received 20 years in prison. Another 21 years were added to the sentence after he admitted to trying to hire a hit man to murder the judge and a witness in his drug trial. (hit men are very popular among athletes apparently) "Ultimately I'm the one that's responsible for what's happened in my life," he told an ESPN reporter in 2000. "But I do think that 90% of it is due to the choices I made, as far associations that I picked." At least he is taking 90% of the responsibility... I like this guy he seems to have learned his lesson.



Number 2: At one point, Vick (AKA Ron Mexico, AKA the human video game) was the highest-paid player in the NFL. Now, according to the Associated Press, he is making 12 cents an hour at a job at the federal penitentiary in Levenworth, Kan., where he's serving a 23-month sentence. Vick's arrest on dog fighting charges and his suspension from the NFL devastated his finances worse than an MC Hammer spending spree. Currently he is filing for bankruptcy from his federally provided rape stand. In court filings, Vick says he has assets of $16 million and liabilities of $20.4 million which is only a slightly better financial situation than being an automaker.

Number 1: After thirteen years of searching for the "real killers" O.J. Simpson was convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping. A jury found Simpson guilty in a 2007 incident where he entered a hotel room with associates carrying guns and took sports memorabilia from two of the most crooked men on the planet earth...errr... collectibles dealers. This guy is everyone consensus number one right? Everyone hates this guy and frankly the Vegas DA's office was never going to let this guy off the hook a second time... I am totally ok with this conviction even if it was based on his prior history. I don't care, just like all the other white people.




A couple links...

Speaking of criminal acts... The 7 most retarded criminal excuses

Keeping on the stupid criminals track...Man arrested after cops find crack in his vomit... "Of course we are not sure if it was his vomit you can't finger print vomit." (Any time I can quote Spinal Tap you know it is a great post)

This guy has a thing for prison tats...

One last criminal for the links... Scott Boras. Ten deals by Scott Boras
Yeah I am piling on Boras...I don't care.

Stuff I thought over the past week...

Screaming at the TV works... whether is be me screaming at some political figure lying out his ass or your basic "throw it" at Big Ben for holding the ball too long this must have an effect right?

Wow, OJ got nine years. That seems like a short sentence for killing your wife.

Here's a free porn movie title idea:"She Didn't See It Coming"

Ladies, I don't get it. Why don't you women love being stalked? I would love to have a chick stalking me.

Work is a lot like alcohol in that it makes the people around you seem more attractive than they actually are.

When studios were scrambling for obscure superheroes (i.e. Watchmen) to make movies about, how on Earth did they overlook Captain Planet?

Is it racist to not want to be around jaundice-colored people?

Something to look forward too in the coming days... a post about craigslist.org and your regular Thursday links.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball... please comment to let us know what you think.

Bearcat

People who are using up my oxygen

This is the first of an ongoing series here at DSB...enjoy and thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball.

Quick quiz - name the lead singers of the following bands: Coldplay, The Killers, Nickelback, and Maroon 5.

If you said Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers, Chad Kroeger, and Adam Levine you are correct…now name the bass player from each of those bands. If you said you have no freakin’ idea that would be correct too - - nobody knows the bass player unless you are a member of the fan club. And if you are…are you like 16?

Now let me ask those same two questions about the band Fall Out Boy…how is it that nobody knows the lead singer (Patrick Stump, btw), but everyone knows that douchebag bass player Pete Wentz?

Why is it that Wentz is all over MTV, E!, People magazine, and every other media outlet when he's only the band's bass player? Is it because he married Ashlee Simpson? On a side note, I always thought Jessica was the way to go in that family; but considering she’s been with seemingly "normal" guys in Nick Lachey, John Mayer, and Tony Romo I’m starting to re-think my position…Ashlee has definitely vaulted into the lead of the Simpson most likely to take it up the ass (and I’m not counting O.J.’s pending incarceration)...however, Wentz considers himself a bisexual so she may also be the Simpson most likely to pull a Janice Soprano-like Ralphie and I don’t want any part of that.

Recently Wentz and Ashlee had their first son and promptly guaranteed him years of beatings by naming him Bronx Mowgli. That’s right…they named their kid like he was a hermit crab from the shore that will die within two months. Bronx - because they live there? No. Bronx – because that’s where they met? No. Bronx – because after David Beckham and Posh named their son Brooklyn, they didn’t want to get stuck with Queens or Staten Island as a name? No. Bronx – just because they liked the sound of it. And Mowgli? Obviously both are big fans of Disney’s Jungle Book. This makes complete sense…for people who ride the short bus. Apparently they didn't like the sound of Bronx Cruella or Bronx Nemo.

I can’t believe Wentz’s 2005 suicide attempt was unsuccessful and now he and his mutant offspring are both breathing air that is more suited to me.