In Lieu of the Rookie list this week I present the first...
Official Bearcat NFL Rankings
1. Titans – Can you imagine if this team had this record and Vince Young was at the helm? 1. Peter King would be masturbating to the idea of Young as the greatest QB in NFL History and 2. ESPN would have inserted Rachel Nichols directly into his anus for 24/7 reporting.
2. Giants
3. Steelers
4. Panthers – Bill Cowher must be pissed that John Fox was able to pull it together in Carolina… he wanted this job and if the Panthers disappointed early it could have been his.
5. Ravens
6. Colts – Tony Dungy is still the first African American NFL coach to win a Super Bowl.
7. Buccaneers
8. Cowboys – Adam “Missile Command” Jones’ career might be over after a serious neck injury during the Steelers game last week. Wonder how that guy who was paralyzed after Jones “made it rain” in Vegas feels about this. My guess is Jones should not expect a “Get Well Soon” card.
9. Cardinals – The Buzzsaw is in the top ten…WTF?
10. Eagles – Remember when Andy Reid decided to punt the ball with 1:42 left in OT with short yardage? Yeah well Eagles fans will remember it again when they fail to make the playoffs due to that tied game against the Bengals… The BENGALS.
11. Patriots – Matt Cassel’s father died this week… bet the under.
12. Falcons – Every time I see Mike Turner I think of that Pittsburgh original, Turner’s Dairy Iced Tea…the best carton tea. Period.
13. Vikings – Is it just me or does Purple Jesus seem more like a Purple Muhammad these days? If he puts on 150 pounds this off season would that make him Purple Buddha?
14. Jets
15. Dolphins – Wondering if Joey Porter is still feeding mini ponies to his dogs given the dramatic downturn in the economy…
16. Saints
17. Broncos – RB Peyton Hillis had the potential to be a star white running back… until he blew out his hammy… that lasted long.
18. Bears – Brian Urlacher was caught on tape willing to trade a case of Vitamin Water and his Paris Hilton sex tape for a Senate seat.
19. Redskins
20. Texas – I don’t know what to think of this team unless they are wearing those ugly red uniforms.
21. Packers
22. Chargers – I am waiting for LDT to commence “Operation Shut Down.” Come on LDT you know you want to. Why risk the injury? Do it… Do it.
23. Bills
24. 49ers
25. Jaguars
26. Browns – Are currently waiting for another QB injury.
27. Seahawks – Tough stadium to play in with a huge home field advantage but not bigger than that of the
28. Chiefs – Arrowhead is the toughest stadium in the NFL for visiting teams… expect this year. 29. Raiders – Currently reviewing the nation’s criminal records files for the upcoming draft.
30. Rams
31. Bengals
53. Lions – I know there are 32 teams in the NFL but I figure there are at least 22 college, high school and Pop Warner football teams that can either win or cover against this embarrassing football team.

Your Not Quite Top Ten, Top Ten Euphemisms for Female Urination
10. Bailing out the Box
7. Pregnancy Testing
6. Her-ination
4. Tapping the Frilly Pink Kidney
2. Golden Shower is and extra 50 bucks… (perv)
1. Addressing the needs of my bladder

Now for you Thursday Links… Seriously?
Enough of this equal rights crap. You have a softball team. Enjoy. If the guys wanted to try out for the softball team would anybody fight to help them out? No. Now get back in the kitchen and shut your bitch mouth!

Consol Energy bought the naming rights to the new home of the Penguins… Everyone will still call it the Civic Arena… Pittsburghers don’t like change.

8 Insane Body Modifications…

Best nickname of the year...FIGJAM... If you check out only one link this week, make it this one.

Due to the serious lack of links this week and the fact that we have the holidays upon us DSB is here to offer some advice regarding attending holiday parties: Gentlemen (who am I kidding) Guys - do not drink girl drinks, examples include Cosmopolitans, Martinis that are not simply Gin or Vodka with Vermouth, Daquiris (your not on vacation) and basically anything fruity. Stick to beer, shots, and mixed drinks involving vodka, whiskey, rum and tequila with one mixer. However - ALL guys should be well versed in the preparation of girly drinks. How do you think I got my wife? Two words… Amaretto Sours.

Speaking of beer… it’s the holidays. How about splurging a bit and avoid bringing that piss flavored Natty Light to the party. Scrooge drinks Natty Light because it is the only substance on Earth more bitter and nasty than his soul. Better yet, skip the light beer altogether and bring a manly beer. How about something with flavor? Support your local micro or craft brewers, hell if you are that much of a simpleton just buy a Samuel Adams Winter Variety case… just don’t take cheap shit beer to the party.

At work place parties, occasionally look around and find someone drunker than you. If you can't find someone drunker than you, STOP DRINKING. You are the drunk person. While it would be highly hypocritical of DSB not to fully support getting face meltingly drunk, it defeats the purpose if you are the only one getting smashed and it is only 7 pm. If this is a work holiday party… best make sure others are far more plastered than you are.

Learn how to properly pour beer from a keg ... head is what you are hoping to get from the girl in accounting. Therefore, do not over pump of the keg. You are not looking to launch the space shuttle just trying to get 12 oz of liquid out of a sealed steel barrel, calm the FUCK down butter churner.

Clean up your mess - Everyone occasionally has a bad night drinking and causes a mess. Either clean up your mess or make it up to your friend the next day. Making up means apologizing and buying a GOOD case of beer or bottle of liquor… Natty Light or Wild Turkey do not say “I’m sorry” as much as “Best get thrashed because that is what I did to your place.” If it happens at the bar, blame someone else and move on.

Guys - NEVER let a girl out chug you as this will cause others to question your sexuality. That’s just the rules I don’t make them up… suck it up and learn to drink.

Bitch beer - Girls love Miller Lite. This never became more apparent than last weekend when Mrs. Bearcat (NOT a beer drinker) said “Was that Miller Lite? I liked it.” If you expect to have a party that isn't a sausage fest be sure to have Miller Lite as one of the beers. As stated before drink a manly beer… There will be plenty of Miller Lite later after you finish drinking your man beer… girls don’t drink much...that’s why we call them girls.

The official DSB hangover cure: Gatorade chasing Aleve. When planning to drink heavy, have some of this nearby.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball... please take the time to comment below Bearcat

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