Betting on Week 17 and Coal for Christmas

Betting on the last week of the NFL season is completely insane. You have no idea which players are going to play and which will be watching from the sidelines in an extremely oversized coat. We can expect to see appearances this week from NFL stars and non-stars of past and future such as David Carr, Vince Young, Jim Sorgi, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Kyle Orton, and Tavaris “Fumbles” Jackson. The sad part is some of those quarterbacks have been playing multiple games this season, and (God help us) one might play in the playoffs. Hopefully at the expense of the Patriots sitting at home after going 11-5…
Home team in CAPS

BUCCANEERS (-13) over Raiders
Pirate Fight! I betting Chucky uses the motivation of a playoff berth and sticking it to his former employer to blow out the Raiders. I look at it this way…if the Lions were not going for 0-16 and if the Brown, Cinci and KC were not so terrible… we would be talking about how the Raiders over the past couple years may be approaching Buzzsaw status.

PACKERS (-9.5) over Lions
You’d think the Lions might come out with some pride and try to not be the first team to go 0-16, but this posting is about betting money on football not pride. Last weekend playing the Saints the Lions looked like a football team only while exiting the locker room. After that they looked like a Jersey girl with those really long fake nails trying not to break one while opening a can of beer. It would have been comical if it were not so fucking pathetic.

Cowboys (+1.5) over EAGLES
I am trying to figure out who will look more ridiculous in those NFL issued puffy coats. I am going to go with Wade Phillips. I wish I could bet on that. BTW-the Cowboys getting a point and a half seems insane after seeing the Eagles shit the bed against the Redskins last week. Take the points and thank me later.

VIKINGS (-7) over Giants
Don’t expect to see any Giants you know playing this one. Also, don’t expect to see any talented Vikings quarterbacks.

TEXANS (-2.5) over Bears
The Bears will probably find a way to win against what I think is a better team. Do not bet on this game… Also even if the Bears win they are not making the playoffs.

Panthers (-3) over SAINTS
The Panthers are not going to somehow miss out on the division crown after being just a missed field goal away from the #1 overall seed. On the plus side if they don’t win this game and have to play in the first round they will beat the Cardinals by roughly 40 points in the first round of the playoffs and then can beat the Giants in New York in the revenge game.

FALCONS (-14) over Rams
Think Mike Vick is happy the Falcons are doing so well? My guess is that he will not be watching this game from his Fed provided rape stand. (That reminds me; I need to send a thank you card to Vick for introducing the term rape stand into my life.)

BENGALS (-3) over Chiefs”We play to win the game!” …unless my head is on the chopping block. If you bet on this game you are saying I will bet any. I need the action.

RAVENS (-12) over Jaguars
I’m really glad that I am not a Jacksonville offensive player this week. With the playoffs still on the line, the Ravens defense is going to do everything short of having actual sex with them. The over/under on number of on field felonies performed by the Ravens defense this week's game is six and a half. (Bet the over)

COLTS (+3) over Titans
Neither of these teams have anything to play for...that being said I think the Colts have learned in the past that shutting it down at the end of the season does not help and they are on a roll… they want to keep that up.

STEELERS (-10.5) over Browns
Holy shit the Browns went south fast… The Steelers could rest their top 42 players, play the remaining 11 both-ways, and still win this game and cover.

Dolphins (+3) over JETS
Karma has to be on the side of Chad Pennington. I like betting with Karma… money line for seeing Brett Farve’s retirement crocodile tears… 100/10.

Patriots (-6.5) over BILLS
Going 11-5 and missing the playoffs has to have Beli-cheat (not known for being a gracious loser) ready to beat other peoples two timing wives. I am very excited to see the Boston area melt down and scream for Goodell to fix the playoff system. I want Bob Ryan’s head to explode. I want Bill Simmons to blame the Steelers and their “dirty hit” on Welker. I wish I could bet on the number of over turned cars in Boston Common this Sunday night. It is impossible for me to tell you how happy this result will make me. I will gloat about this for years. I plan to tell my grandchildren that there is a just God in heaven because this happened. Moving on…

Seahawks (+6) over CARDINALS
The Cardinals have looked dead since clinching their playoff berth. But Kurt Warner is more interesting in saving souls verses saving a franchise. I hope is wife reads this and comments. Of course no one reads this so that chances of that happening are only slightly better than the chances of the Buzzsaw winning a playoff game.

Redskins (+3) over 49ERS
This might be the least interesting game in a week were half the games don’t matter…it should be broadcast on Oxygen. To boost interest the NFL could go WWE style and make it a “You’re Fired Match.” Losing coach loses his job. Camera should be transfixed on the coaches through out the game with frequent interruptions by side-line princesses asking them about how it feels to have their jobs hanging in the balance.

CHARGERS (-8) over Broncos
I have not been right on the Broncos all year… they have fucked me every step of the way so I can not cheer for them. Also as soon as this game ends, go ahead and bet $6 million against the winner of this game and the Cards in a two team teaser.

With yesterday being Christmas and all I thought you might be interested to know who in the “Wide Wide World of Sports” found a lump of coal under their tree last night…

Sean Avery: This guy was such a jerk during the playoffs last year that the NHL created and named a rule after him DURING the playoffs. He followed this up by calling a mini-press conference in front his locker so as to inform North American that NHL players can’t get enough of his sloppy seconds.

Scott Boras: For trying to screw over the Pirates… like they need any help getting fucked?

Roger (The Anti-Christ) Clemens: Hey remember the Mitchell report from 2007? No. Good just like MLB likes it. But in an attempt to make sure that his name is soiled for all eternity a few juicy (juice—get it?) facts came to light: His supposed best-friend, Andy Pettitte, acknowledging that Clemens indeed used performance-enhancing drugs, an appearance before a Congressional committee to defend his name (that went well), accusations of a 10-year affair with country music singer Mindy McCready, which began when she was just 15-years old (he’s a pedophile to boot!), and a report that Clemens was one of many major leaguers who used Viagra to help on-field performance( I am sure it was only needed for on-field performance).
Angel Matos: He should be getting a lump of coal but Santa is too afraid he will get a round house kick to the face. You might remember him as the Judo Olympian who kick the judge in the face after getting DQ’ed…

Travis Henry: It is tough to provide for one’s family during these tough economic times… just imagine trying to provide for your nine families. Travis Henry got busted in September, for drug trafficking multiple kilograms (that’s kilograms with a K) of cocaine. Henry faces 10 years to life if convicted.

Plaxico Burress: Plax will also be getting a pair of jeans and a belt with his coal.

O.J. Simpson: Believes that the real killers deserve the coal.

I am sure there are more people that got coal this Christmas but finding out who would require real research...

Hope you had a great Christmas and Good Luck in the New Year. Thanks for suckling DSB.

Bearcat